Cancer……

Cancer.

 

I have really avoided that word and anything to do with it for the last two year. I really only have been able to tackle it in the last 2 weeks.

It is kid of funny. It really wasn’t until the end of two weeks ago that I started tackling some of the issues that are out there. I started looking in some stuff. So much so that I m going to put up a Facebook page to help coordinate what people are looking into. And it was provided a simple location for people to post what they find.

 

See? Still avoiding the subject. I am getting used to it. So I out of the hospital on the 30th. I wanted to of home. Kaiser mostly said there is nothing that they can do anymore except for  pain management.

I took that pretty hard.

I had a rough few day as we were home and trying to get the pain  meds under control. It is has just been a little crazy.

 

Now down to the nitty gritty. My liver is so swollen it has taken over 75% of my abdomen. It makes it hard to eat. because there is not a wholly of room to put put in. I am supposed to get 60mg of protein in my body every day. It puts a lot of pressure on me. I eat small increments. I have to eat small meals every two or three house.And of course, lots of water. I want to get into a place where I make a shake in the morning and then am able to sip on it all day. i think that would be really good with me. then I would have a protein shake and just keep it going.

 

So like I said, still avoiding cancer. It is in God’s time. Not mine. I don’t feel like it’s over yet, but I don’t know where I am supposed to go from here. I don’t know what the steps are. I am not sure if I am still numb or not. I am just here.

So I  just existing. I need to process I think.

The big amount of tumors scared me.

 

 

And well, the reason for his blog……..

 

We signed up for hospice today and that was really such a blessing. She was so intuitive and knew what we were going through. She is the one who set us up and she didn’t treat it like I was going to be confined to bed and that I was dying. Like we were on death watch o r something; which I though was what it was.

It is not at all. she said people even graduate from hospice. I get to meet my hospice nurse tomorrow. And if she is a cool as the woman who signed us up, I am looking forward to it.

 

So I am on hospice……… I would like a lot of phone calls to go through Chris because I am not sure if I will be having a good day or bad day. That would help a lot. Especially where we are trying to get things under control. Trying to stay ahead of the pain before it goes crazy.

I will like to thank you for all of you prayers and support. e really appreciate it. And it has just been a journey. Thank you all so much.

But things are getting really. I am not sure where they are going. I just don’t know. But thank you for the prayers. I love you all so very much. I just t make sure that I am doing God’s will. I want to be in the power of His purpose.

Thank you all again.

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New Leaf

I have made it out of the hospital again!

Ugh! I really need to stop doing that. I am not sure how I really could have avoided this one, but whatever. It really kind of sucked and some of the nurses were interesting. The techs were super cool though.

So I went into the hospital this time due to excessive bleeding from the back end. It worried me. I thought something had happened to my J pouch. That is actually the biggest reason I went in. Well, that and I was losing a lot of blood every time I went to the bathroom. So much so that I ended up having to have a blood transfusion. Second one of my life and they only did one bag this time. Also, they had already admitted me to the hospital at this point.

The ER doctor’s kept monitoring my blood and didn’t want to send me home while I was losing so much. It wasn’t until the next day that I got the transfusion.

They also did everything through my port this time so that was really nice. I am not going to have a ton of needle bruises up my arm. Although one of my arms is covered in little dots because one of my nurses could not take my blood pressure. (Like I said interesting nurses this time.) But it is okay. I am out!

 

And on top of that Christopher is back home from his mini vacation. I missed him. But I am also so happy for him. He got to get away and relax and just be away from the stress. All things he sorely needed.

And I got to prove that I can help myself. Lance and Kelly took good care of me and I took care of myself as well. I am getting stronger. I am trying to at least. It is a long hard road and things got pretty dark there for a while. But I think this while last week was good for every one, hospital stay and all.

I finally took people’s advice yesterday and didn’t trying to rush off to work. I literally did nothing yesterday. I did not talk, think or do anything about work. And I tried not to feel bad about it or that I was letting people down. Because that is how I always seem to feel. Like I have let someone down when I don’t work. It kind of stresses me out. Certain people don’t help that, but whatever. Other people support it a lot and tell me it’s okay. Got to listen to them more.

 

I started turning over a new leaf prior to all this but now I think it is all the way turned. And one of my doctors in the hospital said it himself. My best shot is a clinical trial.

I almost got into one at Stanford, but they don’t have any more colo/rectal spots available.

 

What I need to do is research. I know no one is going to do it for me and I am not trying to make excuses for myself. There is just A LOT of information out there. It is overwhelming. And really just trying to survive what is happening to me on a daily basis takes all of my energy. So much that at the end of the day I don’t have the ability to get all of this research done.

That is what I need the most help with. I have never really been research girl, and when you get right down to it, it just overwhelms me. Like I said, I don’t want to make excuses for myself, but I feel like sometimes just dealing with this diseases daily and the meds I take and the treatments……. It just exhausting.

But I got to do something. I need to try and find out about different treatments. I am not sure where to start but I got to try.

It is just so frustrating and overwhelming…….

But I have started a notebook where I am writing down every question that comes to mind and every pain I am experiencing. My tumor is mutating according to my last scan and I have no idea what the hell that means but I am going to try and find out. That and I think I have a tumor in my abdomen that is putting pressure on the rest of my organs but my oncologist isn’t really confirming or denying that.

Just so frustrated. I feel like I am not getting enough answers……

 

So as a closing note, if anyone is any good at research or knows some places I should look into or wants to help me look into some places, PLEASE LET ME KNOW. I am trying to learn to ask for and accept help. I am grateful for any that anyone can give. Thank you all so much for all the love and support you have already given. It has been phenomenal and Christopher and I wouldn’t be where we are today if not for all of it. So thank you so much!

Death and Taxes

Death and taxes.

They are supposed to be the only two constants in life, right? I am not sure I would claim that as true just yet. But what do I know about life…?

So things have been pretty quite as far as me and the internet world. I guess that is how you can tell things are not so great for me. It has been really ROUGH. I can’t even put it into words.

I say things are rough a lot. It is kind of my go to phrase, which, while saying something, really says nothing at all.

I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to make them feel bad. I don’t want to depress them. And really, I don’t want the to pity me.

Pity is the last thing I need and probably the thing I am most  afraid of. I can talk a good game about people helping and giver’s and the blessing the givers receive. I am not trying to deny anyone of that, but at the same time, just like my husband; I have a hard time accepting help.

I don’t think I was always this way. Maybe it was a learned behavior from him. I don’t feel like I was always like this, but now I don’t know how to fix it.

I think the way I handle it is slightly different from him. I don’t feel like I owe people if they help me, I more or less feel like I have let them down. When I can’t do things on my own that I feel I should be able to do on my own, I feel like I am letting those around me down because they have to do it for me.

They shouldn’t have to. I am a capable adult (most days). I should be able to clean up after myself, cook dinner, make the bed……simple stuff. But in actuality, right now, some days I just can’t.

My house becomes a mess, the dishes pile up and the garbage sits in the can.

It’s awful!

And I feel like it is no one’s fault but my own. So following that logic, no one should have to come in and pick up after me. I feel like it is not fair to them. Whether this is a correct conclusion or not, it’s how I feel.

I am so grateful to the people that want to help pick up MY MESS. It goes beyond words that someone else would want to come into my house and clean up my mistakes, or do what I cannot. I am so grateful and appreciative. I don’t even know how to explain it or put it into words. I feel like there isn’t a proper way to thank the people that want to do this. It is just so beyond me.

On the flip side, I do understand it. I would totally go help anyone with anything that I could help them with and I don’t expect anything in return. It is just what I want to do for them. It is something that needs to be done and I an help so I do.

 

Kind of funny how your brain works like that, huh?

 

In other news, the reason things have been so quiet on the Bethel Island front……… Things aren’t so good.

On the PET scan, my body lights up like a Christmas tree. The cancer has pretty much popped up all over my body on the left side. My liver has decided to come back to the party.

I am grateful that the stuff on my lungs doesn’t seem to show much growth. However, the other spots landed me in the ER on Friday night (Woo-Hoo! That’s how we roll on Fridays! ER all the way). I was pretty close to the creaming in pain that happened a few weeks ago.

They did another CT scan. We were thinking it might be pancreatitus again since I have this really hard spot the size of my palm sitting just below my sternum. It would be a bit tender and I had been eating less and less over the last few days. All things that happened with the pancreatitus.

But alas, that is not my lot in life. When the CT scan came back the doctor just looked sad. I kind of wanted to tell him, yeah, I know it’s all over my body. But he said that he thinks the tumors are gathering fluid around them, which is what is making them swell. This is of course putting pressure on all my other organs, causing the pain, and you guessed it, lack of appetite.

Really I shouldn’t call it lack of appetite. I WANT the food. My body just has no where to put it and if I eat too much it makes me feel not so good. Then I have to wait for my body to process enough of it to relieve the pressure. So there is that.

 

We have to call the doctors. I have to see if there is something else I can do. But it is hard to do when you are only up for a handful of hours a day.

Some of this is totally my fault. I have no muscles anymore and I need to start building them up. But I really have no idea how to go about this. I can barely walk sometimes.

Also, I just need help. There are so many things to look into and research. And while I do not want to sit around and die; I am so overwhelmed I don’t now where to start. Nor do I understand it all. I need help and I don’t know what to do.

 

 

See……..? And now I just feel like I am whining.

 

 

So things have been pretty dark here. Christopher has run the gambit of emotions. Especially in the days leading up to the ER trip. One minute it’s we got do this this and this, the next it is cuddling me and crying.

I think we have hit the end. I don’t know where we can go from here.

I have had my times too. I can’t even cry about it anymore. I just stare at the wall or pillow bleakly.

Sometimes I feel like I am already dead. Sometimes I wish I was.

I hate dragging everyone through this. I hate being some spot of depression. I hate being stuck in a body that won’t do what I want it to do. I hate the fact that I have no idea where this is going.

This whole thing SCARES THE CRAP OUT OUT OF ME!

 

I can’t even put my emotions into words. I don’t even know if I can communicate my feelings properly…….

I just don’t know any more…….

Pain

A lot has happened in the last week or so and I haven’t really written about any of it. It has been pretty crazy to be honest.

I think that I actually need to write two posts to actually get all this out. So this will be the first.

In this post I want to explain my pain tolerance. As I don’t think of it as a tolerance. It’s more of I don’t even feel pain.

A normal person feels a stabbing sensation, or pinching or something. I don’t feel that. I never have.

It is kind of weird to think about it. But it is the best way to explain it.

So pain is your bodies way of telling you that something is wrong, and when you don’t have that you can understand why it is a lot harder to figure out things are wrong and what’s going on. So one has to be super in tune with their body in order to understand what is happening to it. And let me tell you, it sucks…..

I would never wish this on anyone. It is just too much of a pain in the butt to deal with.  Yeah, I know I am complaining a bit. Sorry about that. It just stinks some days. Although, as I mentioned before, this condition makes me more aware of my body.

A Beautiful Life

This week, just a few days ago, even, We lost a beautiful soul. I am glad that she is now safe from pain and hurt. I am glad that she is now with her loving Father, whom she seemed to love and serve so faithfully here on this Earth.

She will be terribly missed by so many. She touched so many lives. I know she touched mine deeply. And my husband can speak words to the involvement she had in his own life and even his walk with God.

I am sitting here listening to hymns, which seems so fitting. I am glad her suffering is over, but I do miss her. I miss her attitude, and amazingness. I know she is in a better place, so I don’t think I am sad about it.

I am just praying for strength and peace for her family. I know they know she is in a better place, but as someone left behind, sometimes that is exactly what it feels like; being left behind.

I pray that the family finds peace. I pray that they find themselves just wrapped up in God’s loving embrace.I pray that His prescience fills every nook and cranny of that house. I pray that they are not afraid to reach out to any of us here. I will drop anything just to come over and sit. I don’t have to say anything. If you just want the company.

I love them and I lift them before God. Bless them oh Lord. Let them find sweet rest in Your presence. Yes, this is sad because we are left her, but she is with Him and one day we will be there too, reunited at last. Bless them and keep them Lord as only you can do.

Amen

Women’s Luncheon Tea Speech

So, this is the first tea I have ever gone to and I was so honored to be asked to speak at it as well. So here is a write up of what I said. I hope you enjoy it. I got so many kind words. I was so nervous. Thank you all for being so supportive and allowing me to just share a little bit of what I feel like God has been doing in my life over the last few months. :-

* * *

Metamorphosisthe type of change that God brings from the inside out

  • Peace of His Will
  • Strength – of walking in His presence
  • Joy – of living above your circumstances

 

Good morning ladies,

I am so glad that so many of you could join me this morning at this very special event. This is actually my first tea and I feel so blessed to be able to share it with each of you.

I was reall honored and nervous when a little over a month ago I was asked to speak for today’s event. So far in my life, I have only been asked to speak three times. Once for 8th grade graduation and two weddings. One being my own.

I was really excited about being given the opportunity to share just a fraction of what has been going on in my life. What I feel God has been doing.

And even God can be sneaky that way. A week ago, I had a completely different mroute in mind for this message, but over the last few days, God has been working on my life and heart and some entirely new things have come up.

The first being Metamorphosis or change. That is what I feel this year’s Women’s Retreat is really about. And I am not talking about the simple change. Like a change in your diet or work out routine. I am talking about the powerful, awe-inspiring, humbling change that only God can bring about in your life.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.

This is not an easy change to go through. At least that is how I have always felt about it.

Throughout my life I have always been a “checklist girl” or a “milestone achiever.” It is made school come so easy to me. I saw the steps, broke them down, and worked each one down to the final solution.

Let me tell you, a relationship with God does not work that way! There are no checklists, steps, or milestones! It is a relationship! And here I was trying to work it out like a math problem!

In the last six months, I just remember being so terribly frustrated. Crying out to God, trying to work a problem…with NO STEPS! NO TOOLS! No way, in my eyes, of moving forward. No one that I could see.

And I couldn’t see. I could not see the little things that God was doing in my life. I couldn’t see the people sharpening me. I couldn’t see these little conversation for what they were; God’s tender nudging and sharpening.

I have stage four colon cancer. That’s a BIG deal. It is a BIG thing. Everything else had been BIG. Why wouldn’t change be BIG? Why wouldn’t what God wanted to do in my life be just as BIG as what I felt the cancer had already destroyed and taken from me?

Again, God doesn’t work that way. At least not for me. Proverbs 27:17 says, “Iron sharpens iron, and one man sharpens another.” I did not realize how God was shaping me through all of these little moments with people. Isaiah ges on to say, “Behold, I have refined you, but not as silver; I have tried you in the furnace of affliction.”

God was changing me, but I couldn’t see it. I had to have faith in the process. I had to put my trust in Him. Over the net few months my constant prayer was, “Lord, help me keep my hands open and lifted to You, so that I might receive the blessings and provision You want to bestow upon me.”

It was a struggle for me. It was something I went to my husband with. He supported me whole heartedly. He constantly reminded me that we needed to put this in God’s hands. We needed to put it all with God. Our worries, fears, hopes, dreams, hearts. Just keep them lifted.

Brings me to my next thought. For all I wasn’t seeing, God was sure doing a lot around me. Each day I would have people come up to me and express how much I had inspired them. How I had changed their views on life or prayer or their studying of God’s Word. My simple response: “It’s not me. It’s God.”

It was the only thing I had. And I truly believed it. I wasn’t doing anything to change these people. God was shinning though me to change them. I just wanted to be out of the way and let Him do it.

In fact, those words became all the more real to me at the beginning/end of this last month while sitting in the pharmacy line after being discharged from the ER at midnight.

Long story short: I had had dinner with some girlfriends that evening. We had planned the night a month in advance so that we could catch up after not being able t see each other for so long. Dinner was delicious and the company was pleasant. As the evening progressed, I discovered that I had a growing pain and a building numbness in my left hip. I figured I was getting tired, so I excused myself and went home.

On the ride home the pain just kept building and by the time I hit my door in Bethel Island I was hysterical with pain. Sobbing and screaming. Christopher quickly packed me into his car and off to the ER we went.

After getting pain meds, an hour long MRI, X-rays and finding out that I had a tumor in my hip the size of a golf ball, my day was pretty much spent. I just remember thinking, “Okay God, where do we go from here?”

I looked over at my poor husband, who wanted nothing more in this world than to comfort me and take away all my pain. He was sitting there at a complete loss for what to do. Because what could he do? There was nothing to do about this. It just was.

And seeing that utterly broken look on his face, him knowing that there was nothing he could do….I just remember being at peace. That and wishing that I could bring some fraction of that peace to him. He had been such and rock and support to me through all of this time. And looking at him then, knowing that he needed me, I began to speak.

I told him that this new thing did not surprise me. In fact, I saw it as an answer to prayer. Over the last month, we had been praying for God to remove any and all distractions in our lives so that we could better focus on Him. And here God was doing just that.

So often I feel like those prayers are focused on removing things in the spiritual realm or entertainment fields. I feel like we forget that physical things can also be a distractions from God.

I told my husbad God was answering my prayer. He was pointing out a distraction, something that was turning me away from God. He was also giving me a battle plan and letting me know that I would NOT be going through this alone. God was letting me know that He was going to be right there, fighting next to me, each and every step of the way!

How powerful is that? To know that God is on your side and that he is promising to fight with you, battle beside you and never leave? How awe-inspiring and humbling. How peaceful and encouraging to know this!

Jeremiah 29:11 states, “For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.”

What can you say beyond that? Plans not just for hope but for a FUTURE!

I began to minister to my husband, speaking words and not even realizing in that instant how those words would become so true over the next few weeks.

I told him, “I cannot get out of bed each day, I cannot complete an action, go to work, or make a phone call without God. There is nothing in my day that I do not do without Him. He makes my entire day possible.”

Sure this hip thing is “bad,” but I feel like I already knew it was there. I am at peace with it. I know it is not the drugs that is making this any easier to handle. I know that it is God’s Peace. He is here with us. Guiding us, strengthening us. We just have to press into Him. And keep pressing into Him. He wants to take care of us. We just have to let Him.

Speaking those words into life just made them all the more real and true over the next few weeks. I remember being in the office, having to coordinate all my new doctors’ appointments, but also having to keep up with my Administrative duties on top of it. I just had this overwhelming and humbling experience of the peace that God was right there with me in that office. He was taking each step with me and I knew I never wanted to walk away from that!

With that kind of peace comes strength. I felt God’s presence and peace in that office and because of it I felt like I had the strength to do anything! I wanted to be that peculiar people God calls us to be. I wanted to share this peace and strength with anyone that I could. Throughout the next few weeks, I accomplished goals. I wasn’t afraid to pray with people or talk about my faith. In fact, I would go out of my way to tell people about the peace I had found in His presence. I was reaching out to people!

Sure there were “bad” things that still happened in my life. It not like someone waves a magic wand over your life and suddenly all of your problems suddenly evaporate and you just bask in this glow of bliss. That is not how this works. The bad things are still there, but it feels like they are down here, while I am walking with God up here. He has me in His hands and, I don’t know about you, but that is where I want to stay. It brings so much joy!

Diana Dobbie hit the nail on the head this week when she told me, “It’s called living above your circumstances.” How right she is!

And that is a joy I never want to leave. And I hope that through speaking today that I have been able to just share even the smallest fraction of God’s peace, strength, joy and metamorphic change with you.

Thank you all so much for allowing me to be your speaker today. You have truly blessed me by allowing me to share just this small amount of what I feel God is doing in my life. Thank you!

Twelve Extraordinary Women – Rahab: A Horrible Life Redeemed By John MacArthur

I am really, really, really enjoying this study. I like looking at all these different women from the Bible. They were real people, with real lives and real struggles.

I am have also started, in the past, A Lineage of Grace: Five Stories of Unlikely Women Who Changed Eternity novellas by Francine Rivers. They are super short, fictionalized novellas taken from Scriptural reference.  I have read the first three and really enjoyed them.

Ruth was the last one I read and that story was probably my favorite. Although Ruth has been one of my favorite Biblical heroines, anyways. It wasn’t too big of a leap. Next is Bathsheba and I am not sure how much I am going to like her story, but that is for various reasons in my own life I think. She is still there as a model to help teach what you should and shouldn’t do and I respect her for that. She was a woman with a real like and real struggles. I kind of feel like she did what she had to do to survive in the times she lived.

Now, onto the questions!

  1. As far as we know, Rahab was a willing participant in her sinful lifestyle. If judged by society’s standards, she would have been an outcast. What are some reasons we cast people aside? Are we justified in doing so?

In today’s society we cast people aside for all sorts of reasons. We judge and label them before even speaking to them, just based off their appearance or car they drive. It is insane how we can completely write someone off without having exchanged one word with them. We know nothing about who they are, but we will completely judge them based on one glance at their appearance.

I don’t think there is any way at all to justify this type of behavior. How shallow have we become that we can just look at someone and decide “they are not even worth speaking to.” Who are we to even make that call?

I don’t believe we are called to judge anyone. Especially, without interaction.

  1. What about Rahab made her one God chose to spare?

I think she was spared like anyone could be spared. God placed a piece of Himself inside of each and everyone of us and that piece will always calls out to be joined to God. That piece longs to be with Him and to guide us.

I believe he was spared because she decided to respond and listen to that piece.

  1. Read Joshua 2:1-7. What role did Rahab play in the Israelites’ conquest of the Promised Land? Why was her involvement so important?

Joshua 2:1-7: And Joshua the son of Nun sent two men secretly from Shittim as spies, saying, “Go, view the land, especially Jericho.” And they went and came into the house of a prostitute whose name was Rahab and lodged there. And it was told to the king of Jericho, “Behold, men of Israel have come here tonight to search out the land.” Then the king of Jericho sent to Rahab, saying, “Bring out the men who have come to you, who entered your house, for they have come to search out all the land.” But the woman had taken the two men and hidden them. And she said, “True, the men came to me, but I did not know where they were from. And when the gate was about to be closed at dark, the men went out. I do not know where the men went. Pursue them quickly, for you will overtake them.” But she had brought them up to the roof and hid them with the stalks of flax that she had laid in order on the roof. So the men pursued after them on the way to the Jordanas far as the fords. And the gate was shut as soon as the pursuers had gone out.

I think she played a pretty important role. She was able to hide them on her roof. Had she not been able to do that, then I am pretty sure the guards would have found the men easily and killed them. She kept them safe. She pointed their pursuers in the wrong direction and in essence, lead them on a bit of a wild goose chase across the valleys, so that in the end, the spies were able to return to Joshua and give a true report.

  1. Rahab lied to cover for the spies. There is nothing right about her lying. Could God have accomplished His purposes through her telling the truth about the spies? Explain your response.

While lying is wrong, and there are many instances in the Bible where people told the truth and God was still able to spare them. This case does seem a little different.

Rahab’s heart was in the right place and no where in the passages do we get a negative vibe for the lie she told. I believe that God is able to use everything to His Glory. Maybe this was just another small piece. Maybe if she had told the truth about the spies, her family might have perished, or even herself. They might have just killed every one on the spot and then there would have been no good report to come back to Joshua and no way of knowing what happened to the spies within the walls.

And they might have had to send new spies, who in turn might have grumbled, given a negative report and caused the Israelites to wander again. Maybe for even longer.

  1. Lying was a way of life in Rahab’s world. How important is it that we teach and learn God’s principles?

I do believe that lying was a way of life in Rahab’s world. She actually had a pretty incredible position if you think about it. She was a young woman, albeit a prostitute, but she had lodgings along the wall of the city. She is not indicated to be a slave in a brothel. She actually seems to have taken up the profession of her own accord and seems to succeed at it.

In those times women did not live on thier own. They had husbands, and sons or even grandsons to take care of them. Women were considered more of an item than a person. But then again, like Delilah, here is Rahab, a woman living on her own and supporting herself. She has her own place, away from her family (we know this because she asks later that they might be spared if they are in her house).

She didn’t know anything of the Israelite God or His principles, yet, I believe that that God piece within her was teaching her and helping her come to the right conclusions. This is very important because I feel it is the beginning of her teachings and learnings of God and eventual acceptance into God’s people.

  1. Something inside Rahab made her respond to the spies favorably. What does the Holy Spirit prompt you to do that is out of character for you?

The Holy Spirit lately has been prompting me to pray and talk to people. I am praying at the drop of a hat lately. And it is something that, while I don’t feel ashamed about, I haven’t always felt particularly confident about either.

And lately I feel that the Holy Spirit has been calling me to step out in faith and be that friend, that support, that prayer warrior when people need it. And that is not a person I ever thought I would be. In just the past few days alone, God has been showing me sides of myself that I didn’t even think I had.

Hospitals scared me. Being around sick people stuck in beds used to really bother me. And now with everything that has been going on in my life, I really feel like God has been using these past few months to really change my life and show me what I am made of. He is showing me that there is more to me then the limitations I have put on myself. I really feel like I have a love for people now. I have a really heart for our congregation. I want to see them grow. I want to see them loved and nurtured. I want to see them love one another and treat each other with that compassion that I first saw when I came to this church almost ten years ago. I want to see that fire. I want to help stoke it and facilitate it and bring people to that peace of God that I have been so readily feeling these last few weeks. I want God’s blessings to just pour out upon them. And I feel like up until a week ago, that was never me. This is all so very new to me and I just want to embrace it and do what God wants me to do!

  1. Read Joshua 2:8-14. What was the relationship between Rahab’s fear and her faith? How would you describe this relationship in your life?

Joshua 2:8-14: Before the men lay down, she came up to them on the roof and said to the men, “I know that the Lord has given you the land, and that the fear of you has fallen upon us, and that all the inhabitants of the land melt away before you. For we have heard how the Lord dried up the water of the Red Sea before you when you came out of Egypt, and what you did to the two kings of the Amorites who were beyond the Jordan, to Sihon and Og, whom you devoted to destruction.[b]11 And as soon as we heard it, our hearts melted, and there was no spirit left in any man because of you, for the Lord your God, he is God in the heavens above and on the earth beneath. Now then, please swear to me by the Lord that, as I have dealt kindly with you, you also will deal kindly with my father’s house, and give me a sure sign that you will save alive my father and mother, my brothers and sisters, and all who belong to them, and deliver our lives from death.” And the men said to her, “Our life for yours even to death! If you do not tell this business of ours, then when the Lord gives us the land we will deal kindly and faithfully with you.”

I think that Rahab had just enough fear from what she had heard about the fall of the other kings in order to get her mind thinking. I don’t believe Rahab was a stupid woman. She couldn’t have been and held the position in the city that she held.

However, I don’t believe that there was anything conniving or twisted about her fear. She wasn’t looking for a way to better her lot in life or grow more powerful or wealthy. She simply wanted to save her family. Which leads me to believe that he heart was in the right place to be an open vessel for God’s love and mercy.

I on the other hand know more about God because I was raised in church. I desire God’s protection. I have seen on many occasions how God can work miracles and change lives and it is completely amazing! I fear the Lord out of a respectful fear as a opposed to a smiting fear. I can see and realize that he wants what is best for me. I just need to get out of the way and let Him do and provide what He sees fit!

8.What is Rahab’s legacy? What does this teach us about God’s ability to use us even when we’ve lived in ways that were displeasing to Him?

She becomes part of the lineage of Jesus Christ, the Savior of the world. How cool is that!? She takes a step out in faith that brings her to be part of a sacred lineage. (As a side note, I would highly recommend picking up Francine Rivers’ Lineage of Grace while reading some of this book. She does a novella on each of the  woman mentioned in Christ’s lineage and it is funny to see how they are not all a part of GOd’s chosen people. They are very real women just like us.

I believe that through Rahab, God is showing us that ANYONE can be saved and be helpful. It doesn’t matter your background or race. What matters is if you are willing to take that leap of faith. To believe in God and follow His path, even though you know nothing about Him and have no idea where He might lead. You have enough faith to know and see that He wants what is best for you.

I also believe that Rahab’s story shows that God can and does use any one. You don’t have to be a saint or have some perfect life story in order to help or love or support or be a part of God’s plan. You just have to trust and let it happen.

  1. What life principles did you learn from the study of Rahab’s life? How will you apply these principles to your life?

I have learned from Rahab not to be afraid to ask. She was not afraid. Something inside of her did respond favorably to the spies. I think it was the power of God. It might also have been a little bit of the fear of God as well, but I think we all start our journey of faith with a little bit of the fear of God. He is a great and powerful being and that should definitely include some fear and respect. But He wants to care for us. To protect us. To provide for us, just as a parent would care for a child.

I would like to incorporate more of Rahab’s faith in my life. For I believe that is what she exemplifies in her story. She had faith in a God she barely knew. Instead of seeing a vengeful, wrathful God, she somehow managed to see a loving and caring God. One that took care of His people’s needs utterly, when they let Him. I think she wanted that for herself and her family. She wanted to protect her family and she saw that these spies’ God could do that. So, she had the faith and courage to ask that, even though she was not one of His people, that that protection and caring would be extended to her and her family if she protected these men.

She put her faith in a God of a people she didn’t know. I believe God gave her the discernment to see the correct path because she was already seeking it in her heart of hearts.

I hope to apply the same principle to my own life. To just seek God more and more each day. To seek His guidance in my life. I seek to put Him first and for Him to illuminate the ways which I should go. I want to have the faith to trust as Rahab did.